Even More Jokes!
Is there baseball in heaven?
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
Quick Dentist Stop
A man and his wife rushed into the dentist office, and he immediately said to the dentist: “I’m in a big hurry. I’ve got 3 fellows in the car waiting for me to play golf. There’s no need for a painkiller shot. Just pull out the bad tooth and let’s get it over.
The dentist thought to himself, wow, this guy must really be tough to have a tooth knocked out with a painkiller. So he said to the man, “By the way, which tooth is it?”.
The man turned to his wife and said: “Dear, open your mouth and show the dentist the tooth.”
What I did in Dallas
A cowboy in the old West walks into a saloon and orders a drink. He gulps it down and then walks outside, but notices that his horse is gone.
He comes back inside and shoots his Colt revolver into the air and says, "My horse is gone. I'm going to count to ten and when I'm done, well, let me just say this: I don't want to have to do... what I did in DALLAS."
Ten other cowboys run outside and when he's done counting to ten, he goes outside and his horse is back.
He starts to ride away. When he gets about ten yards from the from the saloon, a very nervous but curious stranger runs up to him and says, "I'm just wondering, but what'd you do in Dallas?"
The cowboy turns to him and says, "Well........ I had to WALK home."
Ralph
There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"
"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."
His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the President. Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the President on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, Ralph's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend decides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal Square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, is Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'
Taxi Driver and Prayer
(This could be used on the week "Why and How Do We Pray?")
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept.
When He drove, people prayed." It's Performance, Not Position that Counts.
Pig Joke
(This joke could be used as an introduction to How Can I Resist Evil. You can say, "Sin can appear to be a lot of fun and can tempt us in every way. But if we trust God who loves us and wants the best for us then we can find a way to resist evil. I'm not saying that it is easy. I once heard of a farmer...")
A farmer had five female pigs and times were getting tough, so he went to the county fair to sell his pigs.
At the fair, he came across a farmer who had five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The two farmers lived 60 miles away from each other so they agreed to each drive 30 miles, and find a field to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had left and drove 30 miles. While the pigs were going at it, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they are pregnant, if they are in the mud, then they are not."
The next morning, the pigs were rolling in the mud so he hosed them down, loaded then again into the station wagon and proceeded to try again.
The following morning, MUD again! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he could not get out of bed. He called to his wife and said, "Honey, look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither one, " yelled his wife, "They are in the station wagon and one of them is beeping the horn!"
Yale students
(This joke can be used for How Does God Guide Us. You can say, "On Alpha we are all trying to separate truth from fiction. In the Christian faith, we believe that God guides us in different ways to help us discern the truth. I think we would all agree that truth is more than simple knowledge. A professor I know was after the truth when he told me that ...")
This past semester at Yale University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and were both doing very well heading into their final with solid "A's". These two friends were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends.
However, they both ended up drinking too much and slept all of Sunday and did not make it back to Yale in time for their Chemistry final first thing Monday morning. They managed to find the Professor and told him they had gone to Cambridge, but that they had had a flat tire on the way back and that is why they missed the final. They asked if he would allow them to take it the following day.
The professor thought this over and agreed they could make up the test the following day. They were elated. So, they studied that night and showed up at time the prof had instructed. He gave them each test books and placed them in separate rooms. In their separate rooms, each young man looked at the first problem:
1. (5 points) Explain free radical formation.
That is really simple! "Cool, they each thought, this is going to be really easy! Then they turned the page and read.
2. (95 points) Which tire?
Ever Wondered Why?
Have you ever wondered why:
When you are REALLY sick, you have to walk all the way to the back of the drug store to get your prescription filled?
A dog hates it when you blow in his face, but loves to put his head out the window of a moving car?
Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
A woman cannot put on mascara or feed a baby without opening her mouth?
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